Your Horoscope Based on Its Visual Sign

I’ve seen friends come and go. I’ve had huge shocks and surprises and days where absolutely nothing went right. And you know something, my horoscope never warned me. But lately I’ve been into this whole astrology thing (prepare the tinfoil) so let’s do a monthly horoscope! This month’s theme: horoscopes based on what their astrological sign looks like.


scorpio

214px-Scorpio.svgSo it’s your month, eh? Well your sign looks like a big M with an arrow stuck onto it, so here’s the scoop. Pay attention to people whose first name begins with an M. They’ll be your key to moving forward in life. Know a Moe, get to know! Know a Myra, accidentally butt-dial ha! This month you’re the star, so if they don’t wanna (re)connect with you, get to know a new person who has an “M” name. It’s about time you made friends! And if all else fails, your pet ain’t going anywhere. Just rename them.


sagittarius

235px-Sagittarius.svgYour sign is an arrow pointing to the upper-right with a slash through it. Be careful, mighty Sag! If you own any stocks, it’s time to pull out. Looks like your skyrocketing investments are no more this month according to that slash! Any positive trends or seemingly pleasant dates might be deceiving you this November. Pull out! Pull out!


capricorn246px-Capricorn.svgWell… your sign sure is twisted. You’re probably the type to drink orange juice after brushing your teeth. Dear Capricorn, expect this month to carry you down a twisty path. Some would call it adventure, but it’s probably more of a headache. Seek bed immediately. If you tilt it on it’s side, you might see a ribbon, so consider donating to some research foundations. And this might as well be the month you begin watching a new twisted, horror series if you wanna get real dark. November’s the new October for you!


aquarius350px-Aquarius.svgtumblr_m69elx9WQY1qfp7uwo2_250Well, that’s so typical! My lovely Aquarius, your sign is literally two ocean waves. Prepare to go swimming this month! You might hit the beach in this lovely November weather, or you might score a vacation soon to the pool! But knowing you, your sign means you’re swimming in debt, drugs, and horrible grades. Who knew? (We all did.)


pisces

Hmm… Pisces, it seems that your sign is a big H. Good luck with that.

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aries2000px-Aries.svgI’m kinda scared, Aries. Your sign is a little demonic. You might get a greeting with Mr. Grim Reaper soon, hopefully not though. Just because you need to live to keep reading! Other than that, since your sign literally looks like a bull or ovaries, expect to be putting up with a lot of people’s bullshit this month. Either that, or you’re expecting. Congrats?

walter-white-jr-bulshit


taurus225px-Taurus.svgThis one is definitely a person’s head and shoulders flipped vertically. Expect your whole world to be flipped upside down. Or maybe you’ll actually get flipped upside down. This month will be a very vertical month: your bank account, your work results, grades, love life, attitudes, and outlooks on life will be flipped upside down. That could be good or bad. Have you been feeling really shit or really great lately? Ask yourself.


gemini229px-Gemini.svgWell, that’s a big TWO in roman numerals! Two is the first magic number in the numerical system so this month may very well be magical for you, great Gemini. Your waistline will be magically nonexistent, you’ll skyrocket in popularity, and… Ta-Da! You’ll still fuck up somehow! But have no fear Gemini, this lovely two means you’ll also have 2x the chance of completely changing your world at the end of this month! Channel your magical energy and raise your wand, Gemini! Abra-Cadabra ~~~


cancer300px-Cancer.svgKinky Cancer, just kinky! Expect sex and lots of it. Probably alone, like usual, but it’s still cool that you’ll have more time to do it. Although, you’ll be horribly inclined to do it at all times (because you can’t deny the accuracy of horoscopes) you will be able to channel all of this sexual energy into your work! Give yourself rewarding breaks when you finish that report. Let loose, but don’t hold it against me if you get fired for rewarding yourself in inappropriate places, heh.

i-just-had-sex_o_225339


leo184px-Leo.svgGurl! If that isn’t a hair-Dooo, then I don’t know what is! This month will be completely about hair. Keep it clean (or stay nasty) as people will be critical! Change it up this month, it’s your time to shine! Maybe try hats. Hats are good. And keep down there in check, because with all this hair maintenance, you’re sure to pull a rabbit out of your hat and snag a bae. (I’m gonna go punish myself now for even typing that word)

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Whip yer hair… but don’t whip it too much.

virgo194px-Virgo.svgVirgo, you couldn’t just be an M. You had to add a wraggly-ass comma attached to it. You’re extra, Virgo. Simply excessive. Some would say that M and a comma clearly means MONEY and lots of it. (How you say, “comma’s”????) I say you’re just extra, and extra people have extra troubles. Okay, fine I’m being salty. Expect money, but not much. Enough to potentially eat fancy one day, but not that fancy, ya feel? The middle-class grind gotta stay alive somehow.


libra281px-Libra.svggiphyYes Libra, that’s your head sitting on a plate. You a dead man. This month will be painful. Deadly even. Stay out of trouble. The Devil is lurking post-Halloween and he’s coming for you! Keep your eye out at all times because the world will give you hell this month. Hopefully next month’s better. Stay in your room, boo.


So how’s your month going? I’ve got a couple of assignments coming up so I’m busy, busy, busy… as a burrito in bed. The education system is great! Hahahahahaha! Astrology is just great, isn’t it? Hopefully you got a good horoscope, and if you didn’t.. don’t look at me, I don’t make these up!

Until next time,

Kevin Mise

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